“The space between stimulus and response is where you find your freedom”

Victor Frankle, A Man’s Search For Meaning

Love is at the center of every relationship, with self, others, the universe, God/Spirit.  It is a ubiquitous field of energy that lives and breathes with its own frequencies. Some people (and many of the world’s spiritual practice gurus past and present) say love is what connects us, it is where consciousness lives. Love is light energy. We can tap into love, focus on and be intentional from it as we inter-relate in our worlds. It is from this place where we can BE human AND divine, vulnerable, real and compassionate. 

It is also from this place that I have learned to parent my four daughters (and many of their friends) and to be a partner with my husband over the past three decades.  In the heat of any moment or situation or issue, if I tap into love and focus on the relationship, I (and we) can get through just about any situation. 

Sometimes this is really challenging…

especially as tension, emotions, physical reactions, old tapes of how things SHOULD be, etc show up! 

When my daughter called and said, “Hi Mom, just want to let you know that I’m Bi”  (that’s another whole blogpost), I could have ridden the currents of all kinds of social conditioning and opinions, biases and fears. Instead, I said, with my heart beating fast,

“Wow, thank you for telling me – I want to hear all about it!” 

Yes, this also bought me some time to figure out how I really wanted to react! But, I paused, literally hit the pause button in my minds-eye, and asked her loving questions from my heart.  I closed my eyes for a few seconds, focused my breathing to flow into and out of my heart-space.  Then, I asked questions from my heartspace which allowed me to stay tapped into love and light energy.  In Internal Family Systems (Richard Schwartz) language, I held all of my managers and firefighters at bay while my true, authentic self responded.  And, this allowed the curious part of my brain to kick in.  Some of the questions that flowed included,     

“What is that like?”

” How do you know?”

“Tell me all about your partner?

“How are people treating you?” 

“How do you feel?”

But what she really wanted to hear and feel was,

“I still belong.”

“My mom accepts me.”

“I still feel loved.”

“I don’t hear any judgement.”

“It’s going to be O.K.” 

Stop, Pause, Breathe

Could I give that to her (and to me)?  There’s a split second or two of liminal space between the condition (her calling and the content of her call) and the response (my reaction).  That is the space we actually have the most control over.  AND, it is that space where we can tap into the field of love.

It works every time. I know and feel most connected, authentic, and clear and able to stay focused on the relationship when I am aware of that liminal moment, tap into love and then respond.  It is OK to ask for more time to respond with more detail, especially if they ask,

“How do you feel about it, mom?”

It’s OK to say, “I don’t know yet, but what I do know is that I love you, all of you and I appreciate you including me in this important discovery in your life.” 

Choose love. Choose the relationship. 

So, what’s love got to do with it? Love is why we’re here, and it’s how we heal.